Issue 141: A Horological Romance
A literary parody for our times, in which our lovestruck hero encounters hope, loss and waiting lists
Hello and welcome back to The Fourth Wheel, the weekly watch newsletter that has something a bit different for you today. I have a few thoughts to share on Carl F Bucherer’s demise, Instagram’s war on watch geeks and so on, but since today is Valentine’s Day the bulk of today’s newsletter is given over to something a bit more… appropriate. I’ll say no more, just that I really enjoyed this one1, and because it’s V-Day, my gift to you is another completely free newsletter. Normal capitalist behaviour resumes next week.
XOXO2
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Here’s a little taste of what you might have missed recently:
In Brief
Some thoughts on the week’s news
There isn’t a lot for me to add to the news that Rolex is shutting down Carl F. Bucherer. I was - to my knowledge - one of the only people asking what on earth Rolex was going to do with the brand when it acquired Bucherer (the retailer), and while it always seemed apparent that Rolex had ended up with CFB almost as a bundled bonus, I did wonder if there might be something there. Ironically, it emerges that CFB watches were bundled bonuses themselves, micro-steps on the levelling up ladder of customer loyalty. How dispiriting for anyone involved in their production - they certainly weren’t the best watches on the planet but they were proper watches, well made and serious in their intent, and deserving of being more than just a means of accelerating your journey towards Daytona ownership. I particularly liked the worldtimers, and in the aftermath of the announcement this week, I did wonder if any movement tech might be retained by Rolex, but I see now that that’s highly unlikely. Certainly any obvious transplanting of calibres - say, a peripheral rotor into a 1908, which would look good and make some sense conceptually - is tantamount to Rolex admitting that someone else made a superior watch, which could just never really happen.
The news has confused a lot of people: Bucherer made watches under its own name for most of its history, but Carl F. Bucherer as a brand only existed since 2001. What’s died here isn’t a 137 year old watchmaking story, but a 24 year old one. It was shocking to learn that the company had apparently never turned a profit - according to Bilanz, it even contrived to make a loss on peak annual revenues of CHF 100m, and is said to have swallowed a quarter of a billion in losses over its lifetime - roughly CHF 10m per year. It’s a cautionary tale and adds momentum to the snowball of gloom moving through the industry; brands are going out of business left, right and centre, albeit for different reasons, and almost every major brand seems to be operating on reduced hours. Chopard is the latest to confirm it. It makes me wonder: how many more zombie brands are out there, superficially healthy but internally crumbling?
So, the news is out that Breitling is reviving Gallet. It’s been something of an open secret for a year or so but I, like many others, couldn’t quite make it stick, i.e. couldn’t acquire the ‘multiple sources’ within and without Breitling that Miss Tweed (and Tony Traina) say they have got. This would be a fascinating topic for an AMA - hint hint! - but the art of standing up a rumour is a delicate one, and even more so in a small-world industry like the watch business.
I personally find it fascinating. I totally get that Kern wants to build an empire, with Partners’ backing. What I don’t get is that the strategy seems to be “take one predominantly chronograph-focussed brand, and add two more”. From my armchair of naivety I would presume to create a mixed group with little to no overlap between brands. If you had Baume & Mercier, Breitling, Parmigiani and Greubel Forsey… that I could understand. But I suppose these are the worries of a purist; given that most people don’t know what Universal Geneve was really famous for, let alone Gallet, Kern et al have free rein to remake those brands in whatever form they need them to be. (To some, that might raise the question of why you need to acquire heritage names rather than just starting new companies, but all Swiss watchmaking is about heritage, even if you are going to cross most of it out with a permanent marker - you’ve still got an established name).
Mark Zuckerberg might love watches, but Instagram doesn’t seem to. The last week has seen a number of horological influencers, collectors, notable personalities - call them what you will; the one thing they all have in common is a decent number of followers and a feed full of wrist shots - find their actions restricted and their images removed for supposed violations of Meta’s policies. I hate this. Not because it matters to the world that an image of a watch that was once online is now missing - first world problems, much? - but because of the arrogant disdain it reveals. Instagram monetises your content, encouraging you to grow your following, perhaps spend money promoting it, and then it arbitrarily, and quite wrongly, removes it. I hate the idea that to be successful today you have to learn to tap dance on this quicksand and pretend to love it. If you found The Fourth Wheel via Instagram, that’s great, and I’m glad you’re here - but I built this to get away from that kind of bullshit. Here, I own my mailing list and can walk away with it any time, meaning (hopefully!) Substack knows better than to be so callous with its user base. This is really just a rant that I’m sharing - but hopefully it resonates with some of you.
Now, on to the madness that I’ve come up with…
The Whirlwind
A short story by Christopher J. Hall
I was walking in London’s Green Park lately. It was a grey day, but the bone-chilling cold that seems to seep through your every layer had recently receded, and there was a freshness to the air. Sitting on a park bench not too far from the Piccadilly entrance, my back to the road, I watched the dog-walkers, joggers, idle hedge-funders and pram-pushers for a few minutes. Moving to throw my coffee cup in the bin by the bench, my eye was caught by something at ground level, resting against the leg of the bench. It was a large white envelope, open at one end. Picking it up - for do we not all live in hope of a change discovery of loose banknotes, our very own little moral dilemma? To hand in, in hope of a reward, or sneakily spirit away? - I discovered something else entirely. The envelope, somewhat marked by mud and raindrops, indicating that it had been there several days, was stuffed with a miscellaneous bundle of papers. Some, I could see at once, were receipts - and for large sums - but the majority appeared to be letters. They were tied round with string, but some had come loose from the bundle. Opening the nearest to the top, I realised I had stumbled on something remarkable: a sheaf of love letters - some hand-written, some typed, and some emails printed out. I kept the envelope, figuring whoever left it was unlikely to be coming back, and have managed to re-order its contents, which I reproduce for you here.
To My New-Found Love,
My love! I am beside myself with excitement as I write this. You cannot understand the effect you have had on me.
It has been so long since I felt this way. I’m so glad I turned the wrong way out of Marks and Spencer… I was so preoccupied with other thoughts, just ambling down Oxford St, that I didn’t see you until you were right in front of me, but then… wow! To find you just there, on the corner, looking like that. I don’t know what came over me, but I have thought of little else since - I think you have really started something here. Now that I know where you are, I will be back as soon as I can!
Love,
John x
Dear Mr Smith,
Thank you very much for your interest. You are welcome to return at your convenience; our opening hours are listed below.
Best,
Luxury Watches Ltd.
My Love,
Well, what a whirlwind! After an invitation like that, who could resist? I have just got home from seeing you and yet I could hardly wait to get home so that I could write you once more. I am all a-fluster - I must admit, I don’t normally put out like that on the first date, but I just had to do it. Now you’re in my life, I can’t take my eyes off you! Until next time, my love - of course there is going to be a next time, of that I am certain.
Your darling,
John xx
p.s. please call me John! I feel like we know each other so well already
Dear John,
It is wonderful to hear how satisfied you are with your Tudor Black Bay. Please find enclosed your receipt and warranty card which you left behind in your excitement. As discussed, please also find the link to activate our extended warranty package. If you are ever interested in returning to view any of our other watches, please feel free to make an appointment.
Best,
Luxury Watches Ltd.
My Love,
Firstly may I say how happy you are making me. It has been a long time since I was kept up at night like that - you bring a glow to my life that has been missing for so long. Thank you for you kind and attentive message - it warms my heart to hear from you again - and to think you see this lasting so long, so soon after we’ve met, is such a balm to my soul. I will commit to the most extended of warranties with you, if you know what I mean! Also you have such a way with words - I know you can’t wait to see me again, and I likewise. We will be reunited very soon, in fact I shall visit you tomorrow, appointment or no.
Love,
John xxx
Dear John,
Thank you for your visit to Luxury Watches Ltd. We are pleased to enclose the paperwork for your new Omega Speedmaster Racing, which you again left behind in our store, as well as one glove, which we also enclose.
We hope you are satisfied with your new timepiece, and look forward to welcoming you again soon. Please be aware that if you require dedicated assistance with your purchases, we strongly recommend making an appointment in advance.
As a token of our appreciation we have also enclosed a small gift - we hope it is to your liking.
Best regards,
Luxury Watches Ltd.
My Dearest Love,
Once again you surpass my expectations with your kindness! The glove still bears your scent, which intoxicates me almost as much as the champagne we shared. You have expensive tastes, but I must admit I love that about you. And your generosity is so touching - a leather watch case the like of which I never knew I needed, but am now almost inordinately attached to. Perhaps that’s simply because you gave it to me, but I make no apology for my passion for you.
I am sorry I did not make an appointment - but can a love like ours be constrained to earthly timetables?! If I didn’t know better I would think you’re trying to hide something! Ha ha! But I do know you, and you would never do that to me. Since you ask so beautifully, I will tell you now that I will be with you at 9 o’clock on Monday morning. I have something special in mind.
Love,
John x x
Dear John,
We are pleased to confirm your appointment but note that we do not open until 10am on weekdays and 11am on weekends. We look forward to welcoming you on Monday at 10.
Best regards,
Luxury Watches Ltd.
My Enduring Love!
It is Monday afternoon as I write this, and I am on cloud nine. This morning was the most intense experience we have yet shared and I thank you for every second of it.
I must confess I did not read your last message properly - I must have still been reeling from the champagne; Mother always warned me about drinking during the daytime - but it was an undiluted pleasure to sit and gaze at you for that glorious hour this morning. Indeed I hardly noticed the rain, so smitten was I with your appearance.
But I have another confession to make. You may have noticed I was a little more jittery than usual this morning, and while I find your company positively electric at all times, I must admit I was also feeling some tremors of guilt. I thought you would notice but I just couldn’t bring myself to get the words out. You see, the Rolex GMT-Master II you so lovingly supplied to me this morning was not just the next stage in our relationship, although I think we both know it was certainly that! I start to see why they call it Bond St, for I feel truly bonded to you, and know the sensation is mutual. It was, I am sorry to say, a purchase with a hidden agenda… I must go away for the next few weeks. There, I’ve said it. I hope you can forgive me not mentioning it in person, but my office is sending me to America for some ghastly project or other.
You have taught me so much in such a short time. I will track your local time while I’m gone, my darling one, and the leather case you gave me will bear my Speedmaster within its velvet confines as I fly. I am still learning from you - you are opening my eyes to so many hitherto undiscovered pleasures! GMT, COSC, CPO… these terms of endearment filter through my brain like honey. And you were right when you said that such knowledge must come at a price - indeed it did! My gosh! But I begrudge you nothing, for you have brought such pleasure to my life, at a time when I could not be sure I would love again. But that is for another time.
I am perpetually yours (see what I did there!)
John x x
Dear John,
Thank you for your visit yesterday. We apologise for the confusion around our opening hours and have taken the liberty of re-printing them for you below.
We are glad you are satisfied with your Rolex GMT-Master II and welcome you to the Rolex CPO programme.
Regarding your enquiry about the new Daytona Ref.126505, we have added your name to the waiting list and will be in touch should we have any availability. If you would like to secure your place on our VIP list, which guarantees enhanced wait list status for premium timepieces such as this one, the payment terms are attached.
Best regards,
Luxury Watches Ltd.
My dearest,
The money you asked for is on its way. I am giddy with anticipation. I must admit I was a teeny tiny bit nervous wiring such an amount - you do read such distressing stories online of people who are taken in by the most awful types of scams - but I trust you implicitly. Our love grows stronger every day, and it brings me the greatest pleasure to have found you. I thank my lucky stars that our paths have crossed, I really do.
Love,
John x x
ps. I am a smidge worried about this ‘list’ you keep talking about. It almost sounds as if there might be other people in your life besides me! Ha ha! But really, do tell me what you mean when you can. Something to discuss when I get back from America, I’m sure it’s just me being paranoid and so new to this world!
My Love,
How are you? I am back from the USA - I landed last night. I must admit I am a little bit disappointed not to have heard from you while I was away. Five weeks without you has been like an eternity - but it’s true what they say, absence really does make the heart grow stronger, and my heart beats faster (at least 21,000 vph, sometimes even 36,000 vph) at the thought of being back in London with you. Yes, as you can see I have been doing some reading while I’ve been away, I hope you don’t mind me practicing a little on my own - I thought it would bring us closer together. I am starting to realise that you have quite the history - but not in a bad way aha ha! I love everything about you, quartz and all. Sorry - I know I’m not a natural at such romantic talk, but you inspire such confidence in me.
I will be back to see you as soon as your doors open in the morning.
Love y’all (!)
John x
My Love,
It was so good to see you today. I was getting quite frustrated on my travels but I totally understand how busy you’ve been and now that we’re back together, I know all will be well again. I still get that frisson of sheer excitement when I think of you, or look at my wrist. Although, I confess, the Black Bay isn’t getting quite as much wear as it did in our earliest days.
It was a shame to hear there was no news about the Daytona either. The letter-opener you sent me as a token of my induction into the VIP list was such a thoughtful touch - so handy for opening my cherished correspondence with you! - but I thought we might be taking our relationship further by now. Since you explained things, however, I think I understand it… and I will happily join the ‘Elite Circle’, even though ten thousand a year is a tad more than I expected. But that’s what I like about our relationship - you keep revealing hidden depths! Who doesn’t like a bit of mystery and intrigue, after all?
Yours now and always,
John x
Dear John,
Congratulations on becoming a member of Luxury Watches Ltd.’s Elite Circle of VIP collectors! As one of our most respected clients you will now benefit from the most privileged access to in-demand timepieces and exclusive experiences.
I would like to introduce myself personally. As one of Luxury Watches Ltd.’s Customer Experience Managers I will be responsible for your customer journey with us and will be pleased to assist you with your purchases from now onwards.
I also have some good news to start with - the Rolex Daytona ref. 126505 that you enquired about is now available. The price has risen since your initial enquiry so if you will kindly call at the earliest convenience to make payment, in the amount of £56,595, we will reserve the watch for you to collect.
Should you be interested, we also have a very exciting opportunity to offer you as one of our most valued clients: the opportunity to purchase a rare and exclusive limited edition watch from A. Lange & Sohne, the Lange 1 Tourbillon. I have included some more information should you be interested - but I must ask you to decide quickly.
Warmest regards,
Sarah Boxall, Senior Customer Experience Manager
Luxury Watches Ltd.
Dearest Sarah, Light Of My Life,
Thank you, thank you, thank you - a thousand thank-yous! I knew this was meant to be, and I am sorry I ever doubted you. I am overjoyed, I am overcome, I am in ecstasy at this news! I have made payment for the Rolex and, well what can I say, I never thought I’d be so impulsive but why not - you only live once! - I am also transferring the deposit for the Lange 1 at the same time!! Truly I feel like a young man again, and that is all down to you. Thank you.
Love,
John xx
At this point, from the dates on some of the letters it appears that there might be some missing - or that a large period of time has passed without incident. It is unclear to me as the mere chronicler of this affair; however, things resumed some nine months later.
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for your time yesterday. We got there! I am so pleased to finally have the Daytona on my wrist - and although I understand you can’t do anything about it, of course, you mustn’t think I am blaming you for a moment - it was a touch dispiriting to realise the price had gone up twice more in the interim. But £77,800 is still a price worth paying for what we have between us. The warmth of this gold is as nothing compared to the feelings I have for you and everything you are.
My heart sinks as soon as it has risen, however, to hear that the Lange 1 is once again “delayed in production”. I had just about forgiven you over the VIP list business - I understand it may be too much to ask for complete exclusivity in our relationship, and goodness knows I was lucky to find you at all - but this does bring back painful memories. I know you tell me I am the only one you really care for, and I believe you my love, I do, but how many other collectors must be fobbed off with their allocation before I can receive mine?
Yours in handcrafted adoration,
John x
Dear John,
Thank you for your thoughtful message. A collector such as yourself deserves the best, and in that spirit I am delighted to inform you that we have something very special you might like to consider. A very rare and exotic watch from Roger Dubuis has just become available with us in our Elite Circle pre-owned marketplace, with minimal wear and tear and a full service history. For just £250,000 you could add this under-appreciated timepiece to your collection. I think it would be a perfect next step for you while we wait for news from Germany, but I would need to know quite soon, ideally today. I look forward to hearing from you.
Warmest regards,
Sarah
Luxury Watches Ltd.
Dear Sarah,
I had not intended to come across town today, but perhaps it was fate that I did. Your message reached me just in time! The hand of love can thread the tightest of needles, I have always believed it.
The Roger Dubuis is quite something. I must admit I found the patina a little more pronounced than I imagined - I did not realise carbon fibre could take on such a weathered appearance in such a short time - but it was gracious of you to accept my counter-offer of £245,000. It certainly is providing me with endless entertainment as I wait for the Lange 1 - delayed again! I can hardly believe it! - not least as I figure out how to read the time.
Love,
John x
Another break in the letters follows - at the bottom of the envelope I found quite a volume of shredded paper, barely any of which was decipherable, but it is safe to assume that a crucial section of the narrative is sadly absent, known only to John and Sarah.
Dear John,
We are writing to inform you that your Lange 1 Tourbillon is ready for collection. Please visit at your earliest convenience to collect your watch.
Best,
Luxury Watches Ltd.
My Love,
I still call you that, after all that has happened, because deep down I know the truth of our feelings is stronger than the events of the last few months might imply. But it pains me yet.
Thank you, truly, for the Lange 1 Tourbillon. Out of no little turmoil it has emerged, a shining example of perfection, born in somewhat clouded times. You might almost call it the fruit of our relationship! Goodness knows it took long enough in gestation.
Don’t worry, I am not getting carried away. You must understand I am a passionate man, and I still consider what we have here to be the great love of my life. Nevertheless, please do pass on my apologies to Sarah once more - I am not sure she received the last two letters I sent. I did not mean to cross any boundaries, and I hope that my Elite Circle membership can soon be reinstated without further misunderstanding. Failing that, I would appreciate it if you could return my £20,000 for this year’s and next year’s fees, that you did so kindly ask if I would pay in advance.
On the subject of returns, I am pleased to note your lawyer’s confirmation that the matter of the Roger Dubuis is now considered settled on both sides. The rash has almost cleared up, and I am happy to accept your generous offer to buy the watch back for £95,000.
My love endures, despite it all, and I hope that with this Lange on my wrist we are once again returning to happier times.
John
x
Dear John,
Thank you for your recent letter. We are happy that you are so satisfied with your Lange 1 Tourbillon, and take pleasure in confirming that pending the settlement of the full amount of the purchase price (as per our previous letters) your Elite Circle status will be restored on a provisional basis.
We can confirm that the Roger Dubuis matter is also fully concluded. Should you be interested in any of our wider selection of neo-vintage restored timepieces, one of our Customer Experience Managers would be delighted to arrange an appointment for you to view them in person.
Best,
Luxury Watches Ltd.
Only two letters remained in the bundle after this, dated some six weeks after the preceding email.
Sue, Grabbit & Runne LLP
140 Howell St
London
EC1V 8HX
9th November 2024
Dear Sir/Madam,
We write on behalf of our client Mr John Smith, in response to your letter dated 24th October 2024.
In the first instance, may we draw your attention to the medical reports enclosed. Mr Smith is undergoing treatment for a pronounced case of Extreme Horological Infatuation (EHI) and we would ask for your patience in resolving all matters as he recovers.
Nevertheless, we take issue with a number of your statements in your letter, and hope that we can come to a swift and fair resolution for all parties.
Our client wishes it to be known that he was not of sound mind when he agreed to purchase the Roger Dubuis watch ref. EX44820CG (hereafter ‘the Roger Dubuis’), nor when he agreed to your repurchase offer dated August 2nd. We consider the full refund of the original purchase price the minimum acceptable redress in this case.
Secondly, our client disputes your account that the Lange 1 Tourbillon (hereafter ‘the Lange 1’) was in full working order when it was delivered. We attach by email link a video taken the same evening that shows our client removing the watch from its protective packaging for the first time (hereafter ‘the unboxing video’) and draw your attention to sections 1:01-1:31 and 3:40-4:04 in which damage to the watch and its movement is clearly visible under magnification of the footage. Our client kindly asks that you keep this video footage confidential and disregard his regrettable state of inebriation, full frontal nudity and, in particular, the song “My Tourbillon Goes On And On”. Our client asserts his creative rights over the song’s tune and original lyrics, furthermore, and is happy to enter into negotiations should you, or A. Lange & Sohne, wish to use it in your promotional material.
Lastly, we wish to reiterate on our client’s behalf his sincere apologies for his conduct during the period of June 15th - August 20th 2024, in particular his correspondence with Ms Sarah Boxall. Our client maintains his insistence that his romantic affections were directed purely at the art, craft and historic tradition of watchmaking in the broadest sense and not at Ms Boxall in person. Nevertheless, he now understands how certain letters could have been misinterpreted. We would like to see this matter concluded without further ado and will welcome your views on a satisfactory settlement figure.
Yours faithfully,
Dr. I. Grabbit Esq. MLaw
My Love,
I am not supposed to write to you. My lawyers, and the doctors, have all been very clear on that. So let me say that this will be the last you hear of me.
They also tell me that what we’ve had wasn’t real. I cannot quite believe it - there are times when it makes the most sense, but then I think of the watches, the champagne, the gifts, that wonderful dinner we shared - and I struggle to comprehend that I could have been anything other than totally in love.
I have had to sell most of them now, of course. The less said about that, the better, but I still have the Black Bay, and will always cherish that blissful day when it, and you, came into my life.
You hurt me, though, and I am going to need time to get over that. Time! HA. I would have laughed at that, once. So would you, I suspect. But for all that I seethe at how things soured between us, I am not blameless, I see that now. You may as well know the full truth - on my last trip to America I bought a second-hand Hublot from a chain of small-town jewellers. I felt dirty, but you weren’t there for me, and I needed it. It was stolen from me not long after, which is karma, I suppose.
I had better go. I am leaving the world of watches behind, which means leaving you behind, even though it is hard to think that thought, let alone write it down. But it is for the best. I shall not be hurt again.
Time’s up, my love. I have another group therapy meeting tonight, and one of my new friends has mentioned that he’s bringing a couple of what he called ‘writing instruments’. It sounds interesting - perhaps exactly what I need. I do so love a letter, after all…
Yours,
John
That’s all for this week folks. I really would like to know if you enjoyed this one - I did promise to try and spark joy, so hopefully it has raised a smile.
Chris
Long term readers will know this means I have once again gone a tiny bit mad. It happens.
Do people still say this? I hope it’s as awkward as a parent yelling “Love You Squidgy-Poos” at school drop-off.
Favourite bit was the Lange not working 😂
Wild coincidence that I also decided to write some new BS today... wonder how it will fare... nicely done, fun idea.
When’s a doctor going to intervene on my behalf? For some reason I can tell the difference between a 1978 Speedmaster professional and one made in 1984. I need help. Or pills. Or both.